February152012

I’ve decided

Lately, these past few months have taken a toll on me. What am I going to do? Will I pass this? I’m never going to be a doctor. I’m going to be lonely and die with 10 dogs (in retrospect, I found that to be not that bad… I love dogs :D). The stress built up; and I swear it felt like every week I had a meltdown. GPA this, back up plans that, I’m going to fail, etc. were always attacking me in the corner of my mind like that monster in Amnesia. I felt defenseless to kill it only being able to run away for a short amount of time till it catches up to me. It was altogether discouraging and, at some points, hopeless. Then today I realized something. While mopping around about how stressed I am, I was listening to Michael Jackson’s Man in the Mirror. 

I’m starting with the man in the mirror
I’m asking to change his ways
And no message could have been any clearer 
If you want to make the world a better place
Then take a look at yourself
And then make a Change

I realized I was once a optimistic person full of hope, aspirations, desires. I don’t know what happened in the last 4 years that changed that, but I miss it. I dreamt of being an independent woman who could take on anything. I aspired to be those girls in my video games like Lara Croft or Chell from portal who were smart, deadly women that would definitely not back down when faced with challenges (and believe me… they faced ALOT. LOL).

Yet, I’ve crumbled into this poor little girl who cries about how lonely and stressed she gets every second. So much so, I think i’ve created myself a constant cycle of comfort, self doubt, and crying. Then there was the constant stream of hatred of people (just people not specific people XD). I mean reading youtube comments, ignorance, and just overall hate, definitely makes you think there is no hope for this world.

Then, when listening to this song while walking from another 8 hour work day, I faced my reality. If I wanted to make the world a better place, that I had always aspired to do, I would have to make a change.. starting with me. I need to focus on what I want most and that is to help people by becoming a future physician. To cure the ailments of the world just like I always did as my priest character in World of Warcraft (horrible comparison, but truth is truth! haha). I always had this innate desire to help others and take care of them and somewhere along the road to actually accomplishing this, I lost my desire and was muddled with hate and cynicism.

Time to make a change.

I will focus on my career, and my goals to accomplish this. To start, I am getting an A on the organic chemistry test this Thursday, which I know I can get with a lot of blood, sweat, and tears. Sorry for the very personal post, but I’ve also decided that I should open up a little more. So if you dont care, feel free to disregard and go with your merry life. If you do, thank you. 

Side Note… In order to excel in my studies, I will have to probably scratch social life and some of the time consuming items like tumblr, facebook, etc. I’m not saying I’ll never log on to these things, cause lets face it… we all turn back at one point. But Heres a note to myself that I have bigger plans in store so begging my future subconscious to tone it down. 

Again sorry for the long ass post… I’m usually not like this but I just need to get this out :)

P.S.S… It might be because I have horrible grammer… but I swear.. rereading this… I might have gotten better grammer ? If not… don’t prove me wrong… XD 

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